A Work in Progress

I have been conversing via email with my midwife, just trying to work through the issues of my labor and birth. She has clarified for me that the main reason she recommended we go to the hospital is that DD had not descended, and she did not believe she was going to. She did not want to risk undue exhaustion and perhaps infection (which can be fatal) by staying home longer. That was helpful for me to know.

There are more issues at hand between us, but that is for us to work out, and I think she was doing what she thought was best. There is really no point in "what could've beens." After all, although there's the chance it could have been better, I acknowledge that it also could have been much worse.

Conversing with my midwife has brought out some issues in in my heart as I wrote to her. I realized they were not really about her, so I decided to write them here:

Three months later, I am happy that whatever happened, DD is a fine and wonderful baby with a very relaxed nature and a beautiful smile. I may not have had wonderful birth experiences (maybe I expected a little too much this go round), but I grow them well and strong! ;) She is a blessing to me in so many ways. The birth is important, but she is much more so. In the end, the days my babies were born were moments that changed my life so much for the better.

I do hope, someday, I can pass some strength on to other women, perhaps as a doula or a childbirth educator, or just as a friend, when their bodies can't or won't or are not allowed to do what they were "designed to do."

That is just a hard thing to come to terms with, that here you can be a mother of two, yet never have experienced that "magical birth." Society doesn't see c-section as a birth, I'm afraid, or maybe it's just in my mind. I don't want to be bitter, but it's so easy to feel like you didn't do what you were meant to do, that you couldn't cut it. It takes a lot of effort to work through all that, and it can be pretty painful (it's painful now but it was much more so in the hormonal aftermath of birth). Without the success of breastfeeding, I'm sure I'd feel like a complete failure with respect to my body's abilities.

I thought I had gotten over that after my miscarriage, but I guess life is always a work in progress.

Arrival

My little flower was born November 5. She's already 3 months old. You can imagine how motherhood can keep you busy enough to make blogging difficult. However busy and happy I am being the mother of two (it really is its own identity, you know), it's not really what kept me from writing.

You see, my birth was not the great be-all-and-end-all that I was hoping for. I really am somewhat of a pragmatist so I am surprised that I was so disappointed by what happened.

I'll warn you now that there are some "graphic details" below, so stop now if that bothers you.

My water broke at about 3:30 a.m. Saturday morning, November 4, when I got up to use the bathroom. It was five days past my due date.

After trying to rest for a while, I waited, I walked, I waited, and I walked some more. I called my doula (MW) and the friend that was going to care for DS (RR). They came; they went. I gushed (my body kept producing more fluid to protect the baby). No labor. Some mild contractions, but nothing serious. Sometime late Saturday my midwife started talking about hospitals and getting things ready, just in case. This jump-started me past my reservations for self-intervention. A little intervention was much better than a cesarean, which I tried a cohosh blend in homeopathic form several times. Nothing. I tried a little nipple stimulation. A little but not enough.

The threat of the hospital was becoming more serious by Sunday morning, and I did feel threatened. I knew that walking into the hospital meant another c-section, major surgery, more risks for me and my baby (see my past post on homebirth after cesarean). My midwife had already been in contact with the area hospitals to see who was on call. I had already been reduced to tears more than once. Now, with almost any doctor, I admit, the c-section would have probably been done and gone by this point. They dislike waiting more than 24 hours after the water breaks because of fear of infection (which is actually much greater in the hospital). All the while, I was taking Vitamin C and checking my temperature (for signs of infection) and drinking plenty of fluids. I also kept making more "water" and was constantly leaking.

About 11 a.m. Sunday, as a last resort, I tried nipple stimulation again, with DH's help. Bingo! Before long, I was having contractions hard and fast. They were 30-60 seconds long and about 5 minutes apart. After an hour or so, I called the midwife. RR was already on her way back from 2 hours away to care for DS if we had to go to the hospital.

Yay! My labor continued with no abatements until about 5 or 6 in the evening. I walked all around the main floor of our house between contractions and called out to DH whenever I felt one coming. Then, I held on for dear life and tried not to swear (after all, DS was still around). The dogs couldn't figure out what was happening and even tried to jump on me at first to say, "Hey, Mom, what's going on?" I was laughing at them, at life, and moaning at the same time through the contractions. The pain was rejuvenating. I was so happy; it was almost time!

MW had come in the meantime when I realized that I needed someone to put pressure on my back while I held DH in the front. The hot rice pack she brought was just heavenly, and the counterpressure helped so much.

My labor slowed down a little bit as I started to tire in the evening. It was then we realized that I hadn't really eaten since labor started. While I showered with DH, the midwife and MW made made me a fruit and yogurt smoothie. Shortly after, my midwife said she wanted to check me (do an internal exam) to see how things were progressing. She had tried earlier but had trouble finding my cervix. I sat on the birth ball in my bedroom and leaned back on DH while she checked me between contractions. The news was not good. She said I was just "fingertipping," that my cervix was open less than 1 centimeter.

The pressure to go to the hospital was back. My midwife expressed that in her experience, if labor did not start spontaneously that it was likely to be long and exhausting and irregular. It seemed she was telling us that we needed to go to the hospital now because I would have to go later anyway, and by then, I would be even more exhausted, which could negatively affect the outcomes for both myself and DD. She also wanted to go to the hospital before there were signs of infection, before there was a problem, and before DD or myself was actually in trouble. There was also a "friendly" doctor on call, someone we could trust to receive us without ridiculing us because I had been planning to have my baby at home.

I talked with DH and RR and MW. They all seemed to think that I was okay, and so did I. Everything about my body and my baby felt right. I wanted to rest. I had read frequently about women resting in labor and then doing better later. My midwife did not seem convinced. When DH and I asked her what she thought of letting me rest for a while, she reiterated that she thought it would be a long and exhausting labor; she seemed very concerned about my progress and worried about the chance of infection. She conceded to an hour in the tub, and when I was no further dilated at that point, it seemed we had a choice: go to the hospital or do this without her.

I want to make clear that she never said she would actually leave, but when we asked her straight out, she wouldn't answer us directly. To us, it felt like one and the same. It was from this and from the pressure to go to the hospital what felt like so soon to us that a lot of hurt and anger and disappointment arose in me toward my midwife. I still love her as a friend and respect her, but there are definitely some issues that I hope we can work out between us in time. I would like to remain friends as we were throughout the pregnancy. (She came to the hospital with us and was there until after DD was born, as was MW.)

So, feeling like we had no other choice if we didn't want to go it alone without a birth professional present, we got ready to go to the hospital. I cried, told my son that RR would be staying with him, and called my mother to let her know what was going on. DH called his parents as well. Meanwhile, my labor had picked back up.

The hospital was an hour away, partly up and over a small mountain pass. We followed the midwife and MW. I labored there in the dark beside my husband, grabbing the hand bar since I couldn't hold him through each contraction and grieving for my lost birth experience. My body didn't know that it wasn't going to be able to finish what it started. What had felt exhilarating before now felt futile and pointless.

My experience at the hospital was a bittersweet mix of emotions. I was not myself. I was not feeling polite. I was feeling bitter, angry, and terrified. What I needed most, to have my husband beside me and to hold, they took when they could. He had to fill out paperwork, and no, he couldn't fill it out in my room. He had to get ready to go into the operating room WHILE they took me there first and they administered the spinal. At least he was allowed there during the actual delivery.

The contractions I had during this time were particularly hard. I had to change and get hooked up to the ever-holy monitor. "Oops, don't move during your contractions like that! It makes the belt slip!" How do women do this?

I had to grab onto my midwife and MW when DH was filling out the paperwork, but I needed his solidity. I love my women friends and am glad I was not completely alone, but right then, I needed DH's strength and solidity. I needed to know that I could grab on and squeeze as hard as I could, which I only felt comfortable doing with him. He was my rock. I am fortunate that he was there for me throughout most of the labor.

The doctor came and was very pleasant. Yes, I understood that I would not be allowed to labor anymore, that I would be having a cesarean. He did check me, though, and I was 2 centimeters. I was making some progress, but it didn't matter any more.

The last of the labor took place in the operating room, while they administered the spinal and got me prepped for surgery. I had wondered if they would give me meds to stop the contractions, but they didn't. I thought the contractions were so powerful, enough to disrupt any cutting, but I guess they only feel that way. "This is the last contraction you'll feel."

I was terrified...scared out of my mind. More so than with DS. I knew more about the risks this time. Part of me was very afraid I was going to die, that I was going to leave DS without a mother.

I tried to talk myself out of this state of mind. I was not going to let fear cause a problem that was not already there. I talked to the staff in the operating room as they prepped me. I asked tons of questions and made comments. I let them know I was informed. It helped that the anesthesiologist was in the room humming and impersonating Elvis. My sense of humor was still in my mind enough to notice and be amused.

Then, DH was there, and the surgery began. As with DS, DD was born quickly, and the closing up and suturing is what took longest.

She was born at 11:59 p.m. on November 5. As I requested, the doctor held her up over the barrier for me as soon as she was born so I could see her face as soon as I could. It brings tears to my eyes just to remember that sweet little face above me, mouth wide open in a newborn scream. It made every minute worth it, now and then.

DH stood with her while they did the newborn exam in the operating room as the doctors finished me up. She was healthy and strong at 8 pounds 3 ounces. They held her to me cheek to cheek as I asked; the same as the other hospital did with DS when he was born.

We were now a family of four!

They took us back to the room. Everything was done there; the bath and measurements, etc. I felt fortunate that this hospital had a true rooming-in policy and accommodated as many of my wishes as they could, even when they went against hospital policy, although not all. I had the shakes and terrible itchiness from the anesthesia, but they were just a bother in light of my new beautiful baby. Soon, DD was having her first taste of mama milk, skin-to-skin, and her first bowel movement at the same time. :) My midwife gently cleaned her while I held her and nursed her.

She is and was beautiful. There is nothing I wouldn't have gone through to bring her into this world safe and happy. It's funny how you can be so sad about how something went down and still feel like the result of it was one of the best things to ever happen to you.

Welcome, little bird. You are my flower, my sweet little girl, another sun in my blessed life.

"She is born, and Earth will never be the same."

(from She is Born: A Celebration of Daughers by Virginia Kroll)

The Best of All Worlds, part 2

New mommyhood really scrambles your brain, you know? Even when it's good!

So to finish my thought and inspiration for the title of my last post...

When DS was born 6 years ago, I also had a babymoon, but it was just the three of us. I was a first-time mom in a new state with only one (non-mom) friend nearby. I spent the first 10 months of DS's life with many, many moments of loneliness. After all, as supportive as he was, how could DH ever understand what it was like to be transformed into a 24-hour all-you-can eat bed and breakfast and comfort giver? How could he know what it was like to have your personal identity totally subsumed by another being?

At 10 months, that all changed when I attended my first LLL meeting. I met some other moms; I joined their playgroup. I found my tribe.

So, here I am years later. I moved a couple of hours away from those women for financial reasons, but they are still there for me. They threw me a fabulous blessingway and still think of me often, as I do of them.

Through LLL, I've also met other mothers close by, so even though I am not as close to them, I still don't feel alone.

So, it's the best of all worlds because I have this wonderful babymoon to cherish. I may feel like staying home a lot, but I know that my tribe is out there just a phone call, an email, an IM, or a drive away.

Thanks, gals. You're irreplaceable!

The Best of All Worlds

Here I am in my so-called "babymoon." I don't know how long it's supposed to last, but I just gotta say I'm loving life with my newborn (she's 3 months old already!). Me, the run-around/drive-everywhere-and-get-stuff done one, is enjoying just staying home with the kids. We actually get homeschool done. We actually keep the house fairly clean. I actually cook meals. I actually get time to play with DS. He gets to run around all day in his skivvies. DH has been working a lot lately, but he's at home, so I still get to see him, too. I do like staying home at a lot right now. I don't think I'd appreciate DD's babyhood near as much if I didn't. And after years of waiting for another baby, I'm really trying to savor the fact that I now have KIDS with an S. :)

When I do go out for groceries or for an LLL meeting, I get a little stressed just trying to keep up with all the "stuff" (thank goodness I'm breastfeeding or there'd be even more!) and make sure DD gets enough sleep, etc. It used to be the joy of running around outweighed any stress; now, it's a little different.

Oh, I'm sure as DD gets a little older, we'll be getting out more. I'm sure my "itchy feet" will come back some day, but I am for once enjoying the "stay at home" part of being a stay-at-home mom.

Isn't He Getting a Little Old for That?

I’ve heard this question multiple times about nurslings of many ages, from just 6 months on up. Because it is a common question, many nursing moms learn to either just ignore it or even keep a low profile around certain people.

However, for the first time ever, today I said something very similar myself. I am pregnant, my due date is today, and some prelabor stuff in the night had me thinking that a walk was just the thing to get labor started, so off I went. Forty-five minutes later or so, I was walking around our local Greenway, part of which actually circles a cow pasture. Just the other day, I had been walking there with my husband and son, and my husband had remarked on a calf nursing. We all thought, “How sweet!”

Today, as I was walking by in nearly the same spot, I saw another nursing cow couple and had to do a double (or triple) take. There he was, a fully-grown black bull, nursing from a slightly smaller brown and white cow. I said out loud, “Don’t you think he’s getting a little old for that?” and chuckled to myself for several minutes afterwards.

So it seems that humans are not the only ones to enjoy the benefits of mother’s milk past infancy. My son may not have weaned until he was five, but at least I was still bigger than he was! :)

Heartache and Loss

Heartache and loss are the only words I can think to describe what has happened to an aquaintance of mine, but they seem so inadequate. On Sunday, she lost her 2-month-old baby girl to SIDS. I heard about the whole situation in detail, from this mother discovering the baby had gone on right through the funeral, with some friends last night, a few of whom were personally involved. I must say, it was very difficult for me to hear.

As a mother, it is your worst fear—to lose a child. Just imagining it breaks my heart. Thinking about losing one of my children just tears my heart out of my chest. I can’t speak for fathers, but I know as mothers, our children carry so much of us around with them. I didn’t understand this properly until I had children of my own. They walk, run, and fly (as we do as daughters) and never know they’re pulling us along with them. Losing one of them is the greatest loss there can be.

I can only hold this mother in my heart and try not to let my own fears overwhelm me as I enter this stage of motherhood where that very fear is so much more intense. Of course, I still lay my hand on the back of my DS whenever I check on him at night (which I still do and probably still will when he’s 16). It’s almost like I'm checking to find out if my own heart is still beating.

Even though you probably don’t know her, hold this mother in your hearts and your thoughts and pray in whatever way you pray or reach out and hope that her little two-year-old DS and her family and friends can hold her up until she can grieve and stand on her own again.

Blessing the Way

This past Sunday, some of my closest friends joined me for a birth blessingway to celebrate and bless the upcoming birth of my daughter. We gathered with the usual chatting and food (luckily, someone remembered to bring chocolate!) and then sat together in a circle. I got to sit in my glider rocker most of the time (the “throne” of honor--I couldn’t have taken the floor for too long with my hips, anyhow). Some of the women (mostly moms) sat on pillows and others on the couch.

Opening

I opened the ceremony with a reading of “The Passage” a poem out of the book She Births by Marcie Macari. It is a very powerful poem and sort of sums up the purpose of a birth blessingway (at least for me): that although I am going to give birth, I am only one of many thousands, hundreds of thousands, of women who have done it before. They did it, and so can I. This is what my body was designed for.

Continuing

We continued with a little yoga, mostly light stretching and breathing. I don’t know if I remember the exact order, but here is some of the rest. Each woman introduced herself and lit a candle. Bree, who had organized the whole thing (thank you!), read the book She is Born (by Virginia Kroll) aloud. Another powerful story, especially for those expecting a girl.

The blessings were given, blessings for my birth and baby and also affirmations. Some blessings were even sent from a distance with friends. I was also presented with a flower from each mother, a gift, and a bead (or more) from each of them. The beads were often symbolic of these women’s own children and/or birth experiences. Each blessing and each bead was unique, and each bead was strung on a bracelet for me to hold during my labor, as a way of connecting to these wonderful women. While the blessings were given, one, two, or even three moms pampered me with a little grooming. My hair was brushed, and my shoulders, feet, and hands were massaged: nurturing the mother as she prepares to nurture a new child.

Everyone present also added a little something to my belly cast, which my husband, son, and I had prepared earlier in the week.

Ending

At the end of the ceremony, after we had cried, laughed, hugged, shared, and bonded once again, we were all linked by a length of shimmering white cord, wrapped around our wrists. We cut and tied each other’s cords into bracelets. We’ll all wear these until the baby is born, another kind of link between us. The women also took home candles to light during the birth, symbolizing our connected spirits.

A Rite of Passage

I just have to say that I am wonderfully lucky to have this group of friends. They are all so different, yet we share so much. They are there for me, even though not a one of them lives in the same town as I do. Their strength, their courage, and their love will be added to my own and that of my family to help me not just cope but thrive through the labor and birth of my daughter.

Now, I know why they call these things rights of passage. I was left with a feeling of contentment and readiness. Another stage of my life will soon begin.

Waiting for Baby

Well, here I am at 34 weeks. It doesn't matter how busy you are, you start to get anxious and/or eager waiting for that special moment. The thing is it could be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks from now before our little one decides to come out and join the party. I am torn between feeling that things are going so fast to feeling they are going too slow, mostly the latter.

She seems fine and healthy, although I've definitely reached that uncomfortable stage, with a lot of pressure down low and little feet and/or a bottom up in front of my ribs. She's trying to force me to have good posture! She goes from days of moving around like crazy (today) to lazy days like yesterday where I have to lay down after a snack and try to entice her into letting me know that all is well (which she always does).

We have been getting all the details in order for her birth. We've got the homebirth kit already and have made arrangements to rent a birthing pool. My midwife appointments are more frequent (every 2 weeks now). There are still some things we'd like to get done around the house (like paint the living room and bathroom), but I don't know if we'll get to all of them or not. We've got most things in order for her (diapers, clothes, carseat, etc.), so maybe my brain is like, "Okay, we're ready! How about you, little one?" (not that I really want her to come before she's ready).

I am having a blessingway in a week and a half. I can't wait for that. It will be so nice to have my friends here and to spread some of that good energy in the very place where my little girl will be born. They are all so great; I'm lucky to have them!

Well, even I can tell I'm rambling today. Just felt like writing a little something. That's all for now!

Homebirth After Cesearean....Safety and Choices

A member of my extended family recently had a scare because of the experiences of someone she knows and has started to worry over our decisions concerning the birth of this baby. I don't want to downplay her fears, so I reviewed some of the resources I consulted while making the decision to have my baby at home after having had one cesarean birth.

Here are a sample of the pages/links that I read and thought about as I came to my decision. I have spent years reading about VBAC and birth and weighing my options should I become pregnant again. DH, fortunately, is completely behind me on my decision, which makes things all the easier:

Risks of VBAC vs. Repeat C-Section


Safety of Planned Homebirth with a Certified Professional Midwife


Thoughts on Homebirth After Cesarean

Some other materials I have read included A Good Birth, A Safe Birth by Diana Korte, The VBAC Companion by Diana Korte, and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin.

My midwife has been attending homebirths for 20 years; she is trained and experienced in knowing what complications are and when a transfer to a hospital would become necessary. I will go to the hospital if I feel that the baby and/or I am at risk from complications that arise.

Some reasons I feel hospital births are more risky:

• To me, a repeat cesearean section is more risky (for me, my baby, and my possible future children) than a vaginal birth (see the first link above for a comparison of the risks of VBAC versus repeat c-section).

• Many hospitals/doctors will not even let you attempt a vaginal delivery if you have had a previous c-section.

• Despite the research that shows inductions increase the risk of uterine rupture, I have repeatedly heard about hospital VBAC attempts being induced.

• Two factors that increase the risk of uterine rupture are having had repeat c-sections and having had a c-section within the previous year or two. I have only had one c-section, and that will have been roughly six years ago when this baby is born.

• I believe that my labor will proceed more naturally and more quickly if I am at home in a comfortable environment without interventions that will hinder it. These include continuous fetal monitoring, possible induction, artificial rupture of membranes, and of course, c-section.

As with anything, there are risks. Who knows what will happen between now and then? In the meanwhile, as I do my best to plan for this birth, and after reading and reviewing data, I feel the risks during a normal birth for me and my baby are greater in the hospital than they would be at home.

Feel free to comment/email if you would like to discuss this issue further.

It's a Girl!

Well, that about says it! I had my ultrasound a little bit early and learned that our little baby is a girl! I already have a DS, so having a girl will be completely new and exciting!

I was walking with DS last night and just saying that she'll be "my daugther" was thrilling :) I haven't got to use that term yet. I'm definitely not a girly, girl, more of a tomboy, but I had to go right out and buy some little onsies with pink on them and one that says "I Love Mommy" just for her. It seemed sort of symbolic.

It will be a whole new set of worries, I'm sure. DH has already threatened to buy a shotgun ;) I worry myself that girls are more common targets of abusive situations, but I've always worried about that even with DS. I guess worrying is part of parenthood. Finding the balance between protectiveness and paranoia is quite a challenge!

I had sort of secretly hoped that there would be twins, but I'm not disappointed, especially since that means that my plans for a homebirth are still a go. She was even head down the whole time during the ultrasound (hope she's that way when it's time to be born!).

One thing I want to mention is that as far as interventions go, I've never thought ultrasound to be top on the list of causing too many problems. However, it did affect me, mostly because the technician and radiologist won't tell you if anything is wrong. They insist on sending it to your "doctor" (how many times do I have to tell you it's my midwife, people?!), so they can tell you. So, you have to wait until they send the report and then your provider gets back to you.

My little one (as yet unnamed...that's another debate) looked great as far as I could tell. Let me first say that I have a lot of scientific knowledge, but I am by no means an ultrasound expert. From my lay perspective, everything looked good: all ten fingers and toes were present, as well as all four chambers in the heart. The spine looked complete, and the placenta was not covering my cervix. But still, I've been having nagging worries that maybe there was something wrong...was the radiologist just brisk or was he trying to hide something? You get my point. The test itself instigated the worries. I'm pretty good at telling myself to calm down and not cause problems where there aren't any, but what if I'd had a whole pregnancy full of tests (actually I had many more with DS)? It might just make the whole thing more stressful and less pleasant, but that's just a theory.

I posted some pictures to lighten the mood. Enjoy!


Baby Girl's Profile 


A Hand! 


Her Foot! 

Ultrasounds and choices

Well, I thought I would update everyone on the ultrasound drama. After many phone calls, faxes, and emails, I have an ultrasound appointment for one week from Monday. It turns out that my midwife could "prescribe" the ultrasound (approved my health insurance company), and so she did so. I guess the laws concerning licensed midwives are so new in this state that people are still getting a handle on them.

I do wholeheartedly agree with her that women's health care (and mens' for that matter) should be in their hands, not someone else's. Fears of litigation seem to mean that even for an ultrasound, you must go through an "approved source" instead of just getting it done yourself, even though it is a pretty standard procedure nowadays for pregnancy (I've known women to have 5 or more during pregnancy; I had at least 4 with my son). For now, I'm happy to take it one step at a time and hope that the worst we have to worry about is whether this baby is a boy or a girl! :)

The baby is really active this morning, so I'm just enjoying sitting here typing and feeling those kicks until it's time to go up and make my husband his much-deserved Father's Day breakfast.

In response to something I read in the paper this morning (I refuse to make it worth more than it is), let me just say that the men in households where women stay at home or work at home do do housework and they often also work twice as hard so that this choice (made by both mom and dad) can be supported because they both believe it is best for their family. Also, if their is no intellect involved in raising children, then I've been going about it all the wrong way. Working is a fine choice (I do it myself and "stay home"), but it's not the only choice. It's also not the only worthy one. Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

Happy Father's Day, all!

All's Well...Well, Mostly

Pregnancy is going well this time around. I am 16 weeks along now, and while it's not completely gone, the nausea is definitely more manageable now. I still get tired what I consider to be pretty early in the evening (I'm sleeping at least 9-10 hours a night--this from the woman who could last on 3-4 hours if there was a really good episode of Smallville that I wanted to stay up and watch!).

I have felt the baby move (including one big "kick" this week) and have heard the heartbeat twice now (one of the most thrilling things any expectant mother can hear!).

We've been really busy lately, which has made the time pass by faster. Birth time will probably be on me before I know it, before I've bothered to order diapers (I'd like to try cloth from the beginning this time) or pick a name!

As I mentioned in a previous post, we are planning a homebirth, specifically a homebirth after cesarean (HBAC). I would like this birth to be as peaceful and as comfortable as possible with few or no interventions.

Toward that end, I have found a midwife with whom I am very happy. Appointments with her are a totally different ballgame than appointments I've had with doctors/obstetricians. Most of the appointment is spent talking. She asks my input on what tests I would like done and discusses risks openly and honestly. By the time the birth rolls around, I'm sure it will feel like I have a good friend, who happens to be an expert on natural bith, attending me. I will also have the choice of who to have present (or not) and will be in a place where I spend most of my time and in which I am comfortable. I am also confident in her ability to identify problems that indicate the birth needs to take place in a hospital.

It is definitely a transitional period here in my state, though, as far as midwives go. Direct-entry midwives (e.g., Certified Professional Midwives, like my midwife) were just re-legalized last year, although many were practicing previously anyway to provide women with that choice. I believe new legislation was also passed this year to allow Certified Nurse Midwives to practice without the direct supervision of a doctor, which will give them more freedom to attend homebirths, etc. (In England, they just announced that the government is actually going to start ENCOURAGING women to have homebirths!! *wow*)

As a result of this transition in my state (and probably in much of the U.S.), it's hard to walk the middle line. I've barely begun, and I'm finding the red tape required to get an ultrasound done daunting. My insurance will cover it, so that's not a problem, but it seems I have to go through a doctor to get it. I don't NEED one but would like one in 6-8 weeks just to check that everything is developing well and to be prepared if necessary for any problems.

Do I go through a primary care doctor or make a single appointment with an OB to get it done? I don't like to be dishonest, but I just want one single thing done, and attitudes toward homebirth are not typically rosy among obstetricians these days. I am searching to find someone who might be amenable to the situation and who might also serve as a backup if a transfer to the hospital is necessary during birth. Health insurance is also a problem, just because the two doctors I know of so far that might be okay with it are not in my plan, and I can't afford to go outside of it.

I may just skip this whole ultrasound thing as I don't want my pregnancy filled with unnecessary stress and complications. For now, I'm just trying to take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

Life and Death

I haven’t posted in a while and for good reason. I’ve been pretty sick for the last couple of months and exhausted to boot. However, there’s a good reason for that, too. In late February, I found out I was pregnant again!

I am very excited but, after the miscarriage in November, very cautious as well. It’s been hard to be fully happy about it because I’m always afraid it’s going to end. Well, I’m 11 weeks along now, almost into the second trimester and feeling a little more optimistic. I was about 9 weeks along when I miscarried last time. People know now, and I hope there’s no reason to bring bad news. I am ready to be a mom to a second child again. There is so much to think about, but I’ll probably put it most of it off for a while.

It has been fun, though, to buy some maternity clothes (I am a few sizes smaller than I was when I got pregnant with DS and already showing a bit!). Other than that, all those wonderful first trimester symptoms have kept me home a lot and in bed a good deal of the time. We’ll see how long the nausea, etc., last this time. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the whole thing!

I have my first appointment with my midwife Monday. I’m hoping to hear the heartbeat for the first time, which will be terrific. Besides all my symptoms and my growing belly, it will be a very concrete way of saying, “Hello, little one!”

We are planning a homebirth, and I’m thinking more and more on the possibility of waterbirth or at least laboring in the water, where I find great comfort.



On a more somber note, in the past two days, two friends of the family have passed away.

Max was a friend of my extended family and was always a “grandfatherly” figure towards me. He always had a smile for me and was very sweet, even when I was an ornery kid. He lived next door to my own grandparents for many, many years and was just an extended part of the family. His wife Jean, a very sweet and loving woman, has lost her son-in-law, daughter, and husband now in the past year and a half. My heart goes out to her and the rest of her family.

Evelyn was a friend of my husband’s family. She had a vivacious personality and was very opinionated, but she was also very giving and generous even when things were tough in her life. She always brought a little something over for DS whenever we visited my husband’s parents and also helped them out as much as she could. She had a heart transplant (in her 70s) a couple of years back. She just died today, and it was very sudden. She knew something was wrong, but it apparently did not seem too severe, so she went to the doctor and hospital. The doctors knew there was some heart damage but were still trying to determine what the exact problem was when she died, quite unexpectedly. (This is the story I got from my husband, who talked with his mother just an hour or so ago.) She will be missed, and we were very sorry to hear about her death. It also reminds me of how you just never know when someone is not going to be here the “next time.”

Treasure every moment.

Extended Breastfeeding Rant

Today, I received an email about a mother who is tied up in divorce proceedings. She has two nurslings. She has apparently been issued orders from a judge to wean her oldest (of unknown age) within 60 days and to wean her youngest by the time she turns 3. His logic is that nursing the children for so long will cause psychological harm to them in our culture.

Exactly where does this judge get his information? It’s all hearsay and conjecture. How many kids does he know that were nursed past 1, let alone past 3? I would bet not many. However, I know plenty. All of these kids are normal, healthy, playful, intelligent kids.

I guess my experience is not enough, so what about the “evidence”?

I don’t have the biggest amount of respect for the American Academy of Pediatrics on the subject (as they always seem to be backing out of their support of breastfeeding when the formula companies flash their wallets), but even they say “There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer” and “Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother, especially in delaying return of fertility (thereby promoting optimal intervals between births)” (Source: American Academy of Pediatrics).

I guess I just wish that people would do some research before they suppose that a very loving and thoughtful practice (done only at the mutual desire of both mother and child) will somehow cause the child psychological harm, when in fact, in most cases, it does just the opposite. Breastfeeding provides both physical and psychological benefits to both parties, as proven by numerous scientific studies.

Breasts are primarily for feeding our children; the sexual thing is just a side benefit (for men, at least). If people could look at a breast and see it for what it is (full of milk and comfort), maybe this misconception wouldn’t be so widespread.