Holding Back

It’s kind of funny, the way some of seem to be “out there all the time” and some of us hold back depending on who we are with. Even with our closest friends, I know I hold back some parts of myself in order to maintain balance or avoid burdening someone or just because I wonder, “Would they like me so much if they knew this [whatever this may be]?”

I discovered recently that some things didn’t need to be held back because I wasn’t alone in my feelings or experiences. I’m lucky to have close friends who are not judgmental (and I try not to be judgmental myself about their thoughts and experiences).

We grow and change and what we were yesterday may not be what we are today, but our past and our feelings make us who we are. It’s nice to know that there are people who will accept us for who we are and that I’m lucky enough to be friends with some of them.

There are some people I know from whom I will always hold back some things in order to avoid confrontation or to avoid offending them (which can be hard sometimes) or simply because it is not necessary to share (and this is a lot coming from me, the Talker). Each friendship has its place in my life, and each person has a place in my heart, even with this caveat.

I think the person I hold back least from is DH, and that feels good. He knows pretty much all there is to know about me--not that he likes it all, but he still loves me despite it all (or maybe even because of it). He is definitely not the most “feely, sensitive” type of guy, but he is solid, strong, and loving. He is dependable and makes me laugh. I wish he could/would share more with me, but he knows I’m here if he wants to share. I feel we are strong right now, but part of that has come from me accepting that he will never be the type to talk a lot about those things. I do know I’m pretty lucky and still in love.

Love, family, friends. What more could I ask for? (That’s a question for another day!) :)