A Response to M...

My friend M recently wrote in her thoughtful blog about living like you were dying. What started out as a comment on her blog got kind of long, so I decided to put it here instead.

Living like I were dying is toooo hard to swallow for me. As a mother of a young child and potentially more young children, I adamantly refuse to think of my own demise, except in practical terms (like making sure I have enough insurance and making sure I've established guardianship should DS lose both of us).

I've got too many plans!! (Of course, I've been like this since I was 2, I'm sure—ask my mother!)

The thought of my own child's demise is enough to knock me over and make my heart sieze up, and that's just the thought!

That said, I understand M's viewpoint. Myself, I like to just do what my momma said and live "one day at a time." Unfortunately, if I lived like I were dying, I'd throw work to the wind (who needs money if you're dying anyhow?!). Maybe that indicates that I need another profession (I'm working on it—more plans!). However, I do try to be a "good person" everyday and show my affection to those I care about.

Perhaps that's why I'm not that confrontational. I usually avoid the negative scenarios unless I think there is a really good reason for them, unless I believe there is some potential for positive change (not that I haven't been known to beat a dead horse so to speak). I think I could be a little more confrontational, to tell the truth.

Like at a recent get together with fairly new friends, I thought there was too much drinking going on for the driving that would follow for some. I am not a real drinker, so I didn't say anything, but I worried for them and hoped that they (and other people on the road) got home safe. How would I have felt if something had happened to them? I probably wouldn't blame myself, but I would have definitely felt more than bad and surely could have offered them a ride home—why not try to make the world a little better and safer? Sure, there's that bit of anxiety involved with suggesting that someone doesn't have the best judgment right now, but I'm sure it can be done tactfully, and if you do it often enough, you probably get used to it, right?

See, I did go off on a tanget! Thanks, M, for getting the juices flowing so early in the morning!

Thanks and Scrapping

Thanks all for your help and comments about my last post. Things are not resolved, per se, but I have decided to keep myself out of the situation unless my friend asks me for help. I also apologize for the vagueness of the post, but I needed to vent without implicating anyone personally.

***

On another note, I had a lot of fun out scrapbooking with a friend last night. I chatted on and on about birth (said friend is thinking about getting pregnant and is very indulgent of me and my soap boxes—gotta love her) before I got down to some serious work—I got 5 whole sides done and have cropped pictures for even more pages! My scrapbooking consultant friend (you know who you are!) would probably kill me for scrapping 3 pages for one event, but I can't help myself. It's hard not to ooh and ah over every picture and not get anything done. I just love pictures, and I'm glad I'm making these albums, even if I am behind and even if I'm the only one who ever cares about them! :)

Set up

Ever feel like you're being set up or that someone you know is? I am in a situation where I have suddenly, and unwillinging, been put between a rock and a hard place, between two people.

It's a fragile situation, and I'm not sure whether the best course of action is to do something or do nothing. Fortunately, another friend has been put here as well, and I've called her for advice. I'm sure she'll say, "Leave it alone. Don't do anything. You didn't ask to get involved, so just wait and if someone asks you directly for help, then help if you can."

It's disturbing, though. My heart is aching for a friend who might be in trouble, but really, it's not my call.

Holding Back

It’s kind of funny, the way some of seem to be “out there all the time” and some of us hold back depending on who we are with. Even with our closest friends, I know I hold back some parts of myself in order to maintain balance or avoid burdening someone or just because I wonder, “Would they like me so much if they knew this [whatever this may be]?”

I discovered recently that some things didn’t need to be held back because I wasn’t alone in my feelings or experiences. I’m lucky to have close friends who are not judgmental (and I try not to be judgmental myself about their thoughts and experiences).

We grow and change and what we were yesterday may not be what we are today, but our past and our feelings make us who we are. It’s nice to know that there are people who will accept us for who we are and that I’m lucky enough to be friends with some of them.

There are some people I know from whom I will always hold back some things in order to avoid confrontation or to avoid offending them (which can be hard sometimes) or simply because it is not necessary to share (and this is a lot coming from me, the Talker). Each friendship has its place in my life, and each person has a place in my heart, even with this caveat.

I think the person I hold back least from is DH, and that feels good. He knows pretty much all there is to know about me--not that he likes it all, but he still loves me despite it all (or maybe even because of it). He is definitely not the most “feely, sensitive” type of guy, but he is solid, strong, and loving. He is dependable and makes me laugh. I wish he could/would share more with me, but he knows I’m here if he wants to share. I feel we are strong right now, but part of that has come from me accepting that he will never be the type to talk a lot about those things. I do know I’m pretty lucky and still in love.

Love, family, friends. What more could I ask for? (That’s a question for another day!) :)